Two nights ago...

I had a dream about Ryan Gosling. It was probably because it was the day after his birthday. So he was a little bit on my mind.

I dreamed I was in a house that was being used to put on a children's play. A little old white farm house with the living room filled with lawn chairs for seats. The lights were just bare light bulbs. The room was a little dim and flickery with bugs being zapped by the lights every now and then ya know. My sister Grace was in this play. I was looking for an empty chair when Ryan waltzed in and sat down. There were only a few empty seats left and they all were around him. So naturally I had to sit by him. I looked apologetically at him like "ehm, sorry It seems like I'm dying to sit by you, its not because you are famous.. it may be because you are so beautiful... but Its not on purpose Ryan Gosling, I'm not one of those girls. And I'm really sorry you always feel like everyone is obsessed with you and you can't even go enjoy a children's play without being noticed." (by the way, no one else in the room cared who he was. and I mean, I didn't either.) So we sit there waiting for like 16 minutes for the play to start. We were chatting it up a little bit. He told me his kid sister was in the play too. So that was cool. We just had a great time at the play. And when it was over I woke up. (I'm sorry to say I didn't really pay attention to what the play was about.)

The Smallest Clark Makes Dinner

The littlest Grace makes the dinner. First time ever. And she's a wee 9 year old. (This wouldn't be happening if the parents were here...but they aren't and I'm letting her.)
I'm pretty sure our dinner is Spaghetti. She made Pasta, Red Sauce, Toasted English Muffins, and her dessert appears to be vanilla ice cream in little dishes with peach slices and red sprinkles.
This is epic. I'll try and get pictures.

Golden Trees, Scarves and Sweaters

The Harvest Gathering is in 7 more days.
I'm so excited about a weekend of music, friends, food, drinks and a good time.
The great weather is great. And cold. And I'm wearing pants, scarves and sweaters every day. And socks. I even slept with my socks on... nope I didn't.
The past days have been full of office work, cleaning, schooling and kittens that I don't like.
The parents both got sick. And are getting better. I'm busy but happy. Butternut Squash for dinner is beautiful.My bible is full of useful knowledge and I'm getting caught up on laundry and work. Its great. And now I'm ending this because Michal has jelly in her hair and Ben is just innocently weeding the garden...

facebook.com/Harvestgathering

I want to Fall

I just want to carve a pumpkin okay? I just want to get lost in a corn maze okay? I am happy about all the apple cider I've been drinking. I'm happy about baking things full of apples and pumpkin and squash and spices. I like teaching the schoolgirl sisters of mine. I like wearing the red sweater and the hiking boots. The ground is kinda muddy and stuff. The air bites my face sometimes. And stings a little. Probably I should wear a scarf. The ground is covered in crunchy leaves. Driving through Kentucky, Tennessee and North Carolina is such beauty. And then we get to South Carolina and its here too. All the leaves have changed and its great. My days are full of packing up the Summer and readying for the Winter. Cleaning and teaching. Music and work. Its all good. I want this Fall to be such real good Fall.

My last night

Last night we got home from our trip. And something happened.
First of all, on our way home the Lord blessed me with some amazing boots. So I was pretty excited and started wearing them right away. you know, to break them in. And we stopped in Asheville to see Joshua and Kalyn. We were inside a Macdonalds and I couldn't get a word in edgewise so I decided to get in that playplace and get me some attention. (Ileftmyshoeson) So I was happy I could still climb all up in there. Then when I went down the slide it was like pitch black dark and scared me so I learned my lesson about trying to get attention. I will just let others talk the most.
After we left that place we drove home.
We got home and it was late and dark and everyone was jabbering on about how excited Tegan would be to see us. And I'm like um yeah, she will be excited because someone told me if you leave your dog for more than 3 days it thinks youre dead. not mentioning any names... my sister Daniele Clark. So, Ben said we should probably film the reunion incase something exciting happened like oh idk a heart attack or 4 feet jump in the air or something.
So Everyone is clammouring to get out of the van and I'm pulling on my new boots and getting out too. I've got the camera on and everything, following Ben. All the sudden he starts to kinda run, so I like started to run to and I hit the ground hard. I mean I fell hard. And as soon as I hit the ground I knew what had happened. and I started laaauughhhinnggg.. I haven't laughed that hard at myself in a while. When we were in the van I tied my bootlaces together so I could find my shoes easier when it was time to get out... and I forgot I had done that.
So a couple bloody hands and scrapped up elbow and knee and leg and muddy, leaf covered clothings later... Jess learned a lesson. If you want your left side to stay safe. Do not forget you tied your shoelaces together.

too tired to be inspired

Dear People,

This past weekend has been a very full one. Actually this past week, month, season, however far back I choose to go, its all full of everything.
And I just want to be wide awake and have time to write it all down.
And right now, I probably won't even get half of what I want wrote.
So I'm not gonna even attempt.
Just know that in the very near future some stories from the last two weeks of my life are going to grace your newsfeeds and tumblrs and whatnot...I also am posting an album or two of my sister's birthday (kinda afterthefact but its still fun pictures)and our Indiana/Chicago/Kentucky trip. I will start posting video blogs. And hopefully get it all linked to our band web stuff soon. Should be interesting. I'm excited to get it all wrote out and sort my thoughts. And I'm actually enjoying realizing that as I journal and sort through all the craziness in my head the whole internet world can read about it and laugh at/with me.

Love, Jess

Danieles Birthday

I have found my calling in life, it is to supply perfect costume ideas for any and all people based on book characters. ITs the most fun I've had in a long time....

Last night we watched movies all night and ate family size cheetos and doritos. Just a few of us.

So Danieles birthday is this day. And I think its been a great day.
It all started with a huge Pancake brunch. Pancakes, Strawberry Sauce, Eggs, Grits, Bacon, Sausage, Oranges, Cheese Danishes, Banana Bread,Maybe a few other things.

After Brunch Daniele and Trish and I headed to town. We hit up Starbucks then Mall and decided again that our mall is the most small, empty, strange, mall in the country. They opened a few new stores so it has like 8 stores now so thats nice. We went shopping a few other places then went to Sante Fe for lunch. Sadly by the time we got there it wasn't lunch time anymore so I kinda suggested to Daniele and Trish that they just not order anything because I couldn't afford the Dinner prices but still wanted to pay. So we just had chips and dip and I ordered a side order of 3 enchiladas and we all just shared and it was really nice. We talked about Life, and God, and Clothes, and Boys, and Cats...
Then we headed to Walmart to get some cheese. Got a movie from the redbox and then drove home. It was raining all day. So that was nice. And we just drove in the rain with the windows down, singing our little hearts out.

We got home and had some homemade pizza party. With cheerwine and redvelvet cake. It was not a nice combination. But don't tell the family I said that. It was mostly my idea.

OKay interjectoin here!!! All the girls are watching some horse movie and Daniele was standing near the TV and Maggie all the sudden shouts out, "Don't stand by it idiot!" And Daniele gets all red in the face embarrassed and walks off. And Everyone starts laughing and laughing cause Maggie was talking to the TV and not paying any attention to Daniele.

Anyways, Everyone is watching horse movies together. And there is still the whole night I have devoted to doing things like mani-pedi's and massages and whatnot.

I've tried to make this day really special for Daniele. The past couple of years her birthdays haven't been happy. She means more to me than almost anyone in the world. I mean with a few exceptions. ;)
I want her to be happy always. I want to do everything I can to make her smile and laugh. Because she has spent my entire life doing things to make me happy and teaching me and loving me. I know a lot of people who would call her perfect. And I can see their point. She has one of the best hearts. She just cares about people. She always puts the Lords will and her family and friends first. Sure she makes mistakes, but the awesome thing about that is, I learn from all her mistakes. So thats nice for me. Sometimes I pretend I will be as good a person as her someday. Maybe if I keep trying... when I"m like 40 I'll be close. haha. But I honestly don't see it happening. Shes just good. Shes a good one. And I'm so thankful that she is in my life. I wouldn't be the person I am today without her. (Great, I say that after I just say how I"m not a good person. I didn't mean it like that...)

So I'm signing out.
Hoping to post birthday pictures after the weekend...

Jess

What I've been up to lately...

Lasagna for dinner. with spinach.and I made banana bread and um maybe pearcobbler and apple crisp and vanilla icecream. There is the bread and the salad too. I like it.
I eat a lot of celery and carrots these days. I eat a lot of bananas and pears and fruit.
I mostly drink some water and juice. Not all the coffee and sweet tea and coke soda I had been.
I've been spending lots of time cleaning bathrooms. deep cleaning. I'm good at it. I've been getting rid of and sorting out and folding lots and lots of laundry. I feel like all the "spring" cleaning I'm doing is good for me.
I just like to clean alone. And I'm good at it. I'm also good at making lists and planning parties. I'm good at telling people what to do and wear.
I'm good at baking desserts. So these are all good things.
My tongue is burned from the soup last night. And everything has a funny taste to it.

I made sugar/water to feed my bees. I don't know if they are enjoying it yet. But they should soon. I have 2 hives and they are 8 supers/shallows high. So thats fabulous. The thing is though, I purposely helped Daddy make them and painted them myself so that they would all be colour coordinated and everything. But they are all mixed up and like brown, green, brown, green, white, grey, white, green. Which I guess I'm fine with. Its just honey and bees.

A couple of Danieles best friends are here. Everyone is at the table talking and laughing and being silly. So thats good. All they are talking about is Inspecter Gadget and Macgyver. Both of which were before my time. Because apparently the Inspector Gadget I've seen is just a remade movie from the old cartoon. So... yeah I missed out on the awesome spy shows. And now-a-days all the kids cartoons are so lame. Seriously they are. I don't know where everyones imagination and sense of humor went, but I feel like its gone.

Macgyver I would have loved. Not so sure about the Inspector. But according to the elders at the table. They were both premium and you can learn a lot from them both.

I get easily inspired by um Brad Pitt

Sometimes I like to do my hair in my life like I see on different movies like...
I used to do my hair like Natalie Portman.. Princess Lea on Starwars... Sometimes like Orlando Bloom, um Legolas in Lord of the Ring (really all kinds of hairstyles from those movies), um now I'm just really liking Brad Pitts style in Troy. You know Archilles heel and whatnot. So I just copy. And now I have two baby dreads thanks to Ben one night. And I kinda like them. So that's about it.

Okay, so probably I should have had a bit more product in my hair and had a serious face. but, you can't lose em all.

More Stories coming soon!!

on a day like this i need the lord to help me

Today was uncle buddy's funeral.. it was a really long day...
There was smiles and tears and laughter and sighs... There was awkwardness when I sat for an hour in a room full of family and tried not to cry in front of everyone. And did. I sobbed in front of all the funeral workers while I waited for the restroom. Then Austin walked out and showed me a picture of the urinal and told me al about it.
2-3 hours later we were all at the old house and eating and spendin time together. It was good.
I really love my family. So much. As much as we will miss uncle buddy, I know its okay. Because Jesus fixed everything so we can all spend an eternity together.

Today I learned that so many of the people I care too muchfor, don't care about me the same way.
I just think its a little sad that I imagine they do. Mann...
Plus I really don't want to die without a husband and children. It was sad today. I don't want to live my life pushing people away.

Life is a beautiful thing. Embrace it. Live it. Be happy. Follow Christ.
Everything's gonna be okay. Life... Death...family... Jesus...
Love. Love. Love.

toilet paper

I was grocery shopping with Daniele and um toiletpaper is ridiculously priced and I decided it would be better to buy everyone a washcloth.
Uncle Buddy passed away last night... Everyone was on the phones and going to hospitals and I was stuck with Faith and Grace crying... And I don't think I'm good at comforting and I don't think I say the right thing...
So I just hold them and awkwardly say stuff about him being in a better place and he was very sick but he's not hurting anymore. Then josh and Ben stare at me like I'm dumb and doing the wrong thing.
I hate how the air feels when someone dies. When it is expected its even stranger. Like I didn't cry. Not because I'm not sad. But people talk about it too much like... Waiting... And then it happens. And they aren't there anymore.
And when there is so much tension and the air is heavy I play dragonball z with beau. And stare at nothing. And try to not think about death and life. But it doesn't work. And I go outside and wash cars. And I get muddy with kalyn and Michal and Faith and Grace. And I grocery shop with daniele and buy toilet paper and I laugh about it.
That's what happens on a Tuesday night and a Wednesday.

laborday weekend part 2

So Monday was Graces birthday. It was really good.
Me and the girls made her a huge pancake breakfast with amazing blueberry and strawberry muffins.
And she wanted to have a sleepover with pizza and ice cream and we watched kung-fu panda.

Now we are in Georgia.

Part 1 1/2 sunday

This morning we got up at 6 and went to Columbia, South Carolina. We did worship at a calvery chapel. It was a great morning full of beautiful people and beautiful singing. 30 something people were baptised.

I spent most of this weekend smiling. I'm just so happy to be spending a little quality time with my brother and his girl and some of my closest friends. I haven't seen these guys in 6 months or something. So this is nice.
I've been so happy. But If I stop and think about it. Its been a bittersweet time.
A tiny piece of me has been sad. And I've been shoving it down and right now its pushing to the surface.
A lot can happen in 6 months. People can change so much. People can find a special someone. I can feel like they are too young for a serious relationship. Some of them I know are. Everyone else seems to be changing and everything is different. I don't like it. I smile and pretend I'm happy with everything. But a tiny bit of me isn't happy. I'm faking a little. I want some things to just stay the same.
My friends are getting married and having babies. little babies I knew are now older girls. My own sisters aren't little girls anymore. Everyone has gotten so much older and I haven't noticed until now. I feel like it was just yesterday that I was 15.
But thats my little sister now and all her friends. They are growing up too fast. And I don't like it. Grace is turning 9 tomorrow. She keeps reminding me this is her last day being 8. It has to be special. :) I want it to be special just for her. But I'm the one that has been trying to keep my little sisters in pink hair bows and frilly little girl dresses.
And its not working. My sisters all pickout their own clothes now. And Grace more often then not chooses colours other then pink. Every time it happens I cringe. Every time she frowns a little at my idea of a "cute outfit"... Nobody stays young forever. I know everyone grows up. And change is inevitable. Its a good thing. blah blah blah.
But guess what, my last little sister isn't a baby anymore. And Michal isn't a little girl anymore no matter how many times I remind her that she is. And Faith is right behind Michal, 12 years old and getting tall as me. Michal is an inch or two taller. Their faces are changing. They talk differently. They don't run to me when they need a band-aid or a drink of water.
Somehow this hurts me a little. I don't know... I keep forgetting to treat Michal like a little girl and find myself enjoying spending time with Michal as an older girl. Our relationships are all different now. And I love it. But I don't.
Its all bittersweet.
Grace will always be my baby sister, my blonde, blue-eyed ballarina. She will always be dancing. And pink is still her favorite colour. She will always love cows. Her cute little grin won't change. Those random freckles won't just disappear. I don't want her to stop telling me just what shes thinking.
I want her to always love my stories. I want her to always whisper to me that I'm her favorite big sister, because I'm funnier than Daniele and I don't pick at her like Michal and Faith do. I don't want her to stop blurting out loudly at random moments, "Jess I just love you so much! You're just funny and I just love you."


Half my writing just got deleted and there is no way I can remember what I wrote.
So I'm just ending this. I'm not nearly as sad as I sound. I'm just having a melencholy moment and decided to write it out.
Everythings gonna be okay. And in alittle bit I will be as cheerful as ever.


I love seeing old fat men fishing alone shirtless on the riverbank in the rain.
Life is a beautiful thing. Thanks Lord for all the great moments you give me that make me smile.

laborday weekend. part 1.

Hey yall,
I'm riding along with my feet suffocating a dog because she needs to have her snout under my feet.
We just left His Laboring Few Biker Ministry labor day Campout.
See what happened was, Daddy's uncle is in the hospital in Georgia. so we had been there and we left to go to denton north Carolina and got there Friday afternoon and played music tillate. It was good. First time Josh played with us in a long time. It was good. A few special Matsons were there. And that surprised me. We also saw the st.johns. such a fun time.

These days I fly by the seat of my pants and pass by the skin of my teeth and I just spend my time living and loving.

To be continued...

Oh Irene...

The thing is, there are these amazing waves all up the beach probably because of the hurricane or whatever.
Last night Michal, Faith and I decided to just do it.
So we were all up in them being knocked and thrown around.
At one point I got really caught in one and couldnt get out or breathe. It was just throwing me and rolling me over and over
there wasn't anything I could do about it . I mean probably I could just die.
finally the ocean spit me out on the beach after flinging me high in the air and I just hit the sand. hard.
I was trying to breathe and choking out all that salt water and deciding to never enter the water again when I looked over and saw Michal and Faith both having just been equally attacked by that wave.
I thought they were dying but they both just were there in the ocean. laughing. happy as a clam. Not blaming the water for almost drowning them. Running back and throwing themselves into it. diving into those waves that should have scared the crap outta them.
waves twice their height. And thats how they are. My sisters. They aren't afraid. They aren't afraid of drowning or trusting.
They just enjoy life. They do everything that they feel like. They throw themselves into anything. Now, I'm not thinking thats always the wisest thing for them to do.
I wouldn't encourage them to do life threatening things like jumping off cliffs into lakes and swimming in hurricane waves and petting animals that could bite their hhands/arms/heads off. But they just do. And I'm proud of that. My brother's my sisters are all so brave.
I want to be like that again. I want to live like theres no tomorrow. And do everything that I'm scared to do but want so badly to do.
And usually when I just force myself to do it I'm not afraid once I'm doing it. Its the anticipation that gets me. And I just have to stop thinking and jump.
Stop thinking and dive. Stop over analyzing. Stop being so afraid of everything.

Libraries and stuff

So, I'm in Florida still. The other side though not FortMyers.I'm at the library. A place I could spend 18 hours a day and not get tired. There are too many books to read and too much music to listen to and so many movies to watch. Lots of people to watch too. Like all the old men that keep looking at dvds right behind the computer I'm on so I feel like they are standing there 10 minutes at a timestaring at me. haha. um, I just decided to blog while I'm here because my grandmother doesn't have internet at her house. And the beach doesn't have internet. And those are the only places I go. The last couple days Shelley and Asa and 3 were with us. We went to the beach and saw giant Jellyfish. speaking of Jellyfish, I had a story about them that I didn't write about. Anywhere. I think the past 4 years of my life I have journaled and wrote every day. And since my birthday... I've wrote maybe twice. I haven't even really blogged that much either. I have no excuse. I just keep forgetting. I'm having too much fun during the day and falling asleep earlier than usual. I'm tiring myself out in a good way.
About the Jellies, um in fortmyers one day Me, Ben and the kids had been swimming up a storm in the pool. And it got dark and some had to go home. But Ben, Staples and I ran across the street to the beach to continue swimming. We got there and I just stopped and stared, I've never seen the beach like that before. Usually if I go to the beach after dark there is a full moon, some sort of moon, but it was absolutely dark. And foggy, cloudy, quiet, still and quite frankly spooky. except not to me. We were just swimming and talking about sharks. All the sudden our arms and hands started glowing. Like florescent lights anywhere we moved. the water was full of tiny little sparks. It was so incredible. And then we started catching there little jellyfish, the water was full of them. Once you had one in your hand all you could see was the blue electricity like veins or whatever because the jellyfish were clear. And they felt so weird. And we were just surrounded by them. And It was the most amazing thing I've ever experienced. Incredible. When we left we all felt like we were going to have like jellyfish powers or something. And who knows... we probably did.

These last Summer days...

We are in Fort Myers Beach,Florida. One of my most favorite places ever. We are staying with the Critsers, (The pastors awesome family) and we are having a fabulous time. The people here are so nice and so much fun.
I stumbled upstairs (my hair a crazy mess in a big tshirt and boxers), poured myself some cereal and sat there eating it staring at the adopted black baby of the family.
I was a little tired and not expecting much different for the day.
I helped all the girls get dressed and fixed their hair. Then we all loaded up and went to someones house where we were gonna bbq.
So we get there right, turns out this house used to belong to Bob Hope and he and John Wayne would come and fish right here. Same house. So we spent a while swimming and looking at the boats and water.
They had one of those cool thingys where you can breathe underwater so that was cool. And I tried to do it and of course when I try it breaks and I cant breathe in so I'm just choking and drowning with these heavy weights that the guys were using to go to the bottom of the pool.
Anyhow breathing underwater didnt work for me. But I had to much fun watching everyone dive and flip and throw eachother around.
We all ate hamdogs, hot burgers, chicken and such. It was beautiful, lots of sun and sweet tea and music. We watched Dolphins for a long time.Ben jumping in off this high board by the boat and then trying to climb back out but the bottom of the boat was covered in barnicles so hes all cut up.
So thats nice.
Then around 3ish it started raining. And people started loading up and cleaning up and we left.
Got home soaking wet and cold. took a hot shower. Put on my new favorite sweatpants that Daniele got me for my birthday. (I put up a picture! she thinks I dont appreciate everything she gives me. <--that was some awful grammer right there.)Played Rummikub with the girls. Then cuddled up with Daniele and watched a movie. Then helped make dinner and clean the house up. After dinner all the girls got showered and picked out church clothes and I looked at all the boys knives and ninja stars. Then we watched Gullivers travels with Mallie, Gracie and Shawn Taylor and Me, ben, and the 3 little girls. That was nice. And now everyone is headed to Bed. I mean Beau, Daniele, and my dad are still getting stuff ready for church tomorrow. And I think this about wraps up our time here in Fort Myers, we got here Wednesday and I've spent the majority of my time in the water, at the beach, in a pool, whereever. I love it. So bad. Life is good yall. P.S. There is a baby tiny pimple on my chin.

Oh! P.s. again. in the picture with Shawn Taylor, that is not the pimple thats a mole on my chin. jsyk. Also I will add more pictures some times.

friday friday

So I thought my last Friday night as a teenager would be epic. I was totally planning on Partyin allll night.
Instead I find myself outside in the darkish twilight being eaten alive by mosquitoes watching little guys at a park in Ottertail Minesota. I also was at church.... I'm an awesome last Friday night teenager.

No really. This was an amazing night. The past week has just been incredible. I've met so many beautiful people with such sweet spirits... If that makes sense.
We've been at this... Gathering I'm not sure what it is exactly. Its almost like a worship conference. But also this family thing. And then amazing speakers. And workshops and classes about art and book writing and prophecy.
This old creamery has been turned into a church/coffeeshop/boutique its this amazing venue in this little town in Minnesota.
It's so bizarre. I love it.
I spent the last week singing and praying and listening and learning. Also swimming and fishing and playing volleyball. Just hanging out with these incredible people.
God has done so much in my life this past year. And this week just takes the cake.
It's too much to go into now. And it feels too personal to share everything I want to. Maybe sometime in he future when my thoughts are more sorted I can share some of what the Lord has done for me.

For now, I'm very happy with how my last year as a teenager has went.
To be continued probably....

Carpe diem

i'm happy.

why are you so happy?

i don't know
i'm kinda afraid its not gonna last

i know what you mean
it won't

like I'm at the top of this rollercoaster and things cant stay this way for long..

i hate when it doesnt..

you are supposed to say, Jess you are always gonna be happy

lol i know but i wanted to tell the truth i know how you feel and i hate when the joy leaves..


-I'm learning to seize the moment. Enjoy things while I can. Not to worry about tomorrow when the joy leaves. Because things change. people change. life happens. But we have today and todays joy. Happiness...

I thought Ben was crowing because he just ...

So, I was sitting in a little coffee shop at this amazing place that I will eventually talk about a lot real soon.
All the sudden Ben walks in the middle of the room and tucks his thumbs in his armpits and crows. Like such a Peter Pan.
And I just laughed, not because he crowed (that was so normal for Ben)but because I thought he was crowing annoucing to the world that he had just um... went to the bathroom. He had been in the bathroom for like 15 minutes. And all these people were cracking up. Then I was like whispering, "why did you crow because you number 2d?" and he was like, "Why are you following me around?"
And then my feelings got hurt. And I also found out he was just outside not in the bathroom. So it wasn't that funny.

The End.

I'm such an unholy mess of a girl...

I need to find out who I am... I used to know then everything changed. I changed. And I thought I forgot but really I'm just a different person. I want to be who God wants me to be...I'm no good right now.
I need to grow and learn. I need to stop being so judgmental.
I need to stop being so afraid of loving too much. I need to let go of things in the past that hurt me and changed me.

Who am I? God knows. And he is showing me, little by little every day.
And I'm becoming who he wants. I hope.

One of my awesome dreams

Hey everyone, (everyone, ha, like tons of people actually read this)
Sorry about not posting anything for a while. I know I said I was going to try and post something like every day but it just doesn't work that way.
Which is dumb because I have so many great stories I'd love to share with everyone... We'll see how many of them actually make the blog.

Anyhow I had this crazy dream a few nights ago...

So, we were traveling with the Agguires by plane.
I'm pretty sure we were all headed to France or Detroit. I can't remember which.
Something happened to the plane though.
It crashed in a cornfield.
So we had to get 2 buses to travel in. All the old adults got one and the young adults got the other one. I think we traveled like that for a while.
But I had to leave our bus for some reason. And I had to get everyone else out too. Possibly a fire? idk. So I'm trying to get everyone into the other bus. All the sudden it turns out Julian is not Saphraines baby.
He was actually Corins! And Corin was not waking up to get into the other bus. And finally he did wake up and I asked if I could hold Julian, and when I picked Julian up I realized he looked very different than what I remember

He had freckles and a beard.
(Sometimes the beard wasn't there though.)

Once everyone was in one tour bus my mom said I had to leave everyone else and walk.* I was kinda sad about that but totally ready,
I put on a bright blue sequined jacket and put Julian in the bus and told everyone bye. Then Julian (without a beard) said "Bye Jess!" and I was so excited like busting with happiness because he could talk and he knew my name. But I had to leave.
As I was walking away he just stood on the bus steps and yelled things after me like, -I'll miss you- and -dont let bears get you-. Stuff like that.

The end of my dream I was walking down a dirt road in a bright blue sequined jacket looking for France or Detroit and grinning to beat the band because Julian said my name.

The End.




*(I'm not sure why I had to walk, It probably had something to do with the fact that in the midst of a fire and all that panic I stopped to play with Julian...why was I doing that?!. Thats probably not why I was walking but its an idea.)

how to get that boy to like you...

Ive had this thought in my head for over a week and haven't been able to blog at all.
I'm gonna try to get it all down now. Haha

"Where's my favorite guy?"
"Kiss? Kiss?..........kiss?"
"Where's that boy that I love?"
"How do I get that boy to like me when he already likes a girl with brown hair?"

These were just a few of the questions I heard from a 4 year old about my brother and to him.
And most of these questions she's going to keep asking for years about other boys I'm sure... She started young though.
I found it slightly ridiculous and real funny. Sometimes I wish girls were.different.

"Ooooohhhh!!! I know!! MaybeIcouldtellhimwecoulddowhathewantedtodoinsteadof (deeep breath) whatIwantedtodo.And wecouldplaywhathewantedtoinsteadofwhatIwantto!!!!" (This was all said in a raspy sqqqueeky 4 yr old voice. If you can imagine it. It's so great.) I seriously thought she was gonna have an asthma attack or something.
Sadly, I told her it was a great plan to get him to like her instead of the girl with brown hair.
Maybe there were 50 other things I should have said. Ehm, I dont always say the right thing though.
I've got a bigmouth, and I tend to say whatever pops into my head. Plus my motto used to be -its okay, as long as its funny.-
Turns out living my teenage years by that motto wasn't the smartest thing I could have done. Anyway,
All that to say, I didn't want to burst her bubble and I encouraged, well more like egged her on I guess.

And its given me a lot to think about since then... About boys. And girls. and the stupid things we do and say to get someone to like us. And we shouldnt have to get someone to like us. The right person just will. And all the time and worry and stress and thought that goes into who likes who and relationships and finding the right one. How I wish so many people could just be friends and be happy and have a good time... I wish people wouldn't be afraid. I love so many beautiful relationships I've seen. And I hope everyone ends up with exactly who God has for them. And I wish people would just have a good time and not worry about things. I don't like confusion and misunderstanding. I don't like being sad about things I can't change or fix.
I don't like people rushing into things. I don't like people dragging their feet. I don't like girls pursuing guys and trying to do something to MAKE him like her. I'm sorry when things don't work out. I'm happy when I see you following God and doing what you think he wants you to.
Idk, it was a lot to think about at once... Seems like things would be so much simpler if people would just trust God that he knows what's up. He has a plan. I love it when they do. So many people I know trust God so much. It's beautiful.

I love you. And you don't have to do what he wants you to do to get him to like you instead of the girl with brown hair.
God knows what's up. Keep trusting him. Your relationship with Him is what matters most.

a little bit of my last week

So, I'm pretty tired from this past week. I've been having such a good time though.
Last weekend we did 4 shows in Brainerd,MN. A concert Friday night, a concert Saturday night, a church service Sunday morning and one show Sunday night. It was all great. My mom and another lady told me I looked just like this one lady's daughter and I was all like okay. And the next night there's this girl in the front of the coffee shop right in front of me. And I have to admit she looked a little like me and it kinda weirded me out. So the whole show I'm trying not to be distracted by this girl smiling at me with pretty much my own smile. The Friday night concert was at this great church/art place I don't know what to call it. But its pretty cool. After the show I was kinda hiding because I saw the lady and her daughter who last year,
(Summer 2010)--I was using the bathroom quick between church services, no one was in the bathroom and I was all like, oh awesome! cause I have a shy bladder and can't ever seem to go if there are other people in the bathroom with me, which is fabulous because with us traveling all the time there are always people hanging out in the bathroom. Anyways, all the sudden out of no where a little head pops under the stall door and is all like, heyyy. And I'm just like uhm, hey. And the little girl goes, "Look mom! Its the girl from the stage!" And I'm like expecting her mom to like drag her away maybe a little bit, instead there's a big ol face looking through the crack of the door, "Oh your right honey, it is her!" --
So I'm hiding from these two people cause they make me uncomfortable. And I was eating cookies. The End.

We went to the Bjorlos for dinner one night.
And after we ate we all went outside to play capture the flag. Its kinda tradition.
So there are um, 13 people playing right, me and my brothers (-Josh) and my little sisters, korinne and kelly, the 4 Bjorlo's and their friend Derelict (what a name)
Anyway we pick captains and they start choosing teams. I'm like waiting around to be picked right. I'm pretty sure I will be picked early cause I'm older than everyone except Beau and Korinne. I keep waiting and waiting finally there is 3 people left and one of them gets picked then its me and a 4 year old girl... The one team is like, "um, I pick Abby! your team can have whats left." the great thing was, no one was even doing it on purpose or joking around about it. I just got picked very last and I wasn't even picked I was thrust upon the other team.
I honestly think its because I have short legs and I was wearing a pink dress so they thought I would be no good. Well I went and put on boys shorts and a tshirt and put my hair up and took off my shoes and won that game for my team who didn't even want me. It was epic.
The End.

Mann...

I've got a great story or two... Coming right up.

Would you rather be a princess...

Saturday Night. Late... late.

Tonight we had a show in Brainerd, MN. We have been coming here to Minnesota for lots of years. And it's only been this year that I have been making jokes about Brain and Nerd and calling random people names on the street. One was Brain and the other was Nerd and they looked so nice. After us was a guy Sean Michaelle or Michelle or something... They weren't the cutest guys in the world. But I rediscovered my passion for blues. He had such a voice. Loved them.

After our show tonight where the sound messed up terribly and Ben sang in a completely different key and we all scrambled to find a harmony that worked and Beau and I ended up just trying not to laugh at each other but I finally found a harmony and sounded bad. I met this girl. She was one of the most naturally beautiful humans I've ever seen. She looked exactly how I imagine a princess should look, pretty blonde hair, rosy lips, and big, piercing, icy, gorgeous blue eyes. They were my favorite colour blue. Just the perfect sky blue. This girl was absolutely gorgeous. I loved that she didn't even seem to notice that she was so beautiful. And I thought she must be the happiest girl ever, all lookin' like a princess and whatnot. But after talking to her for a little while... I just noticed this sadness. idk, it didn't make much sense. I mean even when she wasn't talking about sad things, behind her eyes looked kinda sad. It started me thinking...

It reminded me of a question I asked all the people at our table at dinner last night,
"Would you rather be a beautiful princess who everyone knew & loved or completely happy but alone forever?" It was a toughy.

Looks aren't everything. I love beautiful things and people... but being beautiful doesn't make you happy.
Its whats inside that counts. Your joy, your love, your compassion, your feelings, your faith. Inner beauty. Those are the things that really matter. And I hope sometimes when people look at me, I hope they see my love for the Lord. I hope they see my joy. My happiness. My sadness. My trying to live my life for God. Trying to do the right thing. trying to correct my faults and mistakes. (And I have and make so many.)

I want people to see who I am inside. Good or bad. Ugly or beautiful.
I just want to be honest. I just want to be real.

But I also want to be a princess someday... Or a pirate. Which ever comes first.

I don't feel so good... July 8, 2011

So, last night after dinner (Which was a really different white lasagna that we all thought wasn't lasagna but turned out to be real good.) Korinne and I asked Daddy if we could go in the boat with him to fish for a while. He said yes. So we scrambled around getting poles and bug dope and life preservers and such. So we headed out right? And Korinne hadn't fished in forever so we had to teach her a little bit. So we are fishing and trolling and the sun is setting and everything is just so beautiful. I probably could live on a boat. Daddy caught a nice sized large mouth bass. And we trolled some more. Then I caught my first Northern Pike! It was totally amazing to reel that guy in and it was like a whopping 20 inches. Which isn't really big for a northern. But it wasn't small either. I was so excited. Sadly my phone died right before I caught it so there is no pictures of it because I let it go. But my dad and Korinne were all excited and happy for me. We kept fishing for a while until the mosquitos got so bad Korinne started making crazy suggestions like "I wish we had beekeeping suits to fish in." I'm pretty sure thats why she only caught seagrass the entire time. That's when I decided our little fishing trip was over. Because fishing in a bee suit is the worst idea ever. So I caught a little tiny sun fish that pricked my hands up and made them bleed. And then the mosquitos were just everywhere covering everything. And we went home and watched a movie. Well halfway through the movie my dad walks in with the craziest look on his face and he is out of breath and trying not to laugh. And tells us all that when we left the boat and he was getting something out of the bottom a HUGE snake started slithering all over everywhere!!! it was like 3 feet long. It had been in that boat under my seat the ENTIRE TIME!! And I totally freaked out. I don't even know what I would have done if I had seen it while we were out on the lake. Like I hadn't even seen the snake and I was FREAKING OUT. No I do know. I would have screamed like a crazy person and jumped all over the boat having a heart attack telling Daddy to get it away and Korinne would have been laughing at me and my dad would have been trying to catch it and I would have jumped out of that boat and swam for my life because I just hate snakes that much.
Omg I can not believe there was a snake under my seat that entire time. OMG!I can't even think about it without almost throwing up and screaming. And to make it even better, I have one month left until I'm not a teenager anymore.
The End.

Day who knows what… I stopped counting.

Okay, So I just typed all this stuff. And I'm not even reading over it to make sure its all kosher and awesome. I'm just saying whatever is in my head... Probably all rambling and jumbled.
but it may interest you.

Due to lack of internet/constant power I haven’t blogged during Cornerstone or after for that matter. I wish I had. It would have been so much good I think…

This past week has been such an interesting time for me.
I’ve had a great time and one not so great time. Mostly everything has been amazing and beautiful. And honestly I’ve learned and felt more in this week than I thought was possible. Maybe too much happened in such a short time and it hasn’t all really hit me yet. And when it does it will be so much that it might knock me down. But I doubt it. Because I think it was all good.

I’ve spend some of the best time with so many amazing friends. Time dancing and singing. Laughing and running around feeling so carefree.
I’ve sat in a hot merch tent for hours at a time watching people and thinking so much. I’ve discovered a new passion for badly playing the guitar and singing random rhyming songs that I make up. I’ve learned that you can make anything a good time if you really want to. I’ve learned that its very hard to say something. And it’s harder to not say it. I’ve learned that honesty is still the best policy. I’ve learned to not assume. I’ve learned to love a little more and not be so scared of someone hurting me.
I loved a little boy. I discovered that I want to have a little boy almost as badly as my little girl. I can swim better than I thought. I don’t always drown.

My hands sweat when I’m nervous, whether its hot or cold.

Ben’s girl just stuck a little branch under my nose for me to smell and said, “Christmas tree” then went back to playing with her hands sticking out the window… I think I’m going to always like her.
We are in our mini bus traveling to Minnesota. I’m sitting with Kelly and Ben and Korinne are across the aisle. Michal and Daniele are in the next seats. Grace/Faith and Daddy are next. Then Beau and Linda are in the front.
It’s a hot day and we have all the windows open. Everyone’s hair is blowing around. I love Kelly’s music because its almost like Ben’s but has a little difference.

I love how my friends will always love me, no matter how bossy I can be. No matter how rude I am. No matter how silly I act when they are serious…
I love that Inga will always be like the little Norwegian sister I never had.
I love that even though so many things in life are changing and it can scare/hurt me so many things will never change and I love that.
I love that we all like crunchy raisin bran. I love that we all say the same things about fireworks. I love the word fireworks. I found out I love brown eyes almost as much as blue eyes. And I’m okay with brown eyes.
I love talking. I love sitting together quietly. I love it that we can say nothing and its alright. I love pond scum. I love hot spots and cold spots.
I love fat men with their shirt off.

When we played our show at the Gallery stage the power cut off. Right after our sound check. The audience didn’t seem to mind that we just jumped down off stage and played an acoustic set right there. It was the hottest year I can remember. During the day I felt like we weren’t having as much fun as we could have. But honestly it was just too hot to be partyin’.
The nights were the best. And I’m so glad we had those crazy nights and good talks and laying in the grass looking at the shooting stars. I’m glad we stayed up all night till the sun came up. 3 times. I’m glad I got up at 7 to pray and write in my journal while everyone was sleeping.

I’m tired after all this. And I’m emotionally drained. I feel a little like I have nothing left to say that can help anyone because I said everything I know… I feel like I don’t say the right thing sometimes. I feel like I need to not want to fix everything and make everyone happy and okay all the time. Sometimes they just need me to listen and that’s all. Sometimes Its okay to just be the shoulder to cry on. I don’t have to know and have all the answers. I can just be. I’ve learned that hugs are important. And holding someone is sometimes all I can do to help. I hope its enough. I hope you know I would fix everything just to make you happy if I could. I hope you know if there was one little thing I could do, I would do it. I would fix it all for you if I could. But God told me I can’t. I just have to be. I just have to care. And not stop caring because it hurts. I have to not be scared anymore. I have to open up and love and do everything I feel like I need to do.
Sometimes I feel like I’m a hundred years old and sometimes I feel like a wee babe who can’t speak or walk. I’m glad to be 19.
I’m glad for the friends and family I have. And I love them.
I’m glad that my bad feelings are going away. I’m glad I feel free and happy.
I’m so glad the Lord loves me this much. He can heal me and fix me and help me be all that I need to be.

Never call in sick if you aren't really sick...

Day 3...

This was one of those days where I messed up something I was doing.
Cinnamon rolls. Ugh. I love miss Mary, and her love of little children and animals...
She's a great woman just like my mom.

I love long late night girl talks I always have...
I'm so thankful for the fabulous girls in my life. Sisters, cousins and best friends.
Yall are the best listeners and you give such good advice.
Dont know what I would do without you.

We are having bus troubles again. Hoping to head out in the morning to cornerstone.
Part of me wants to just stay here with shelby the rest of the summer and bake with Amish people.
But there are so many places to go and best friend's to see...

Never give up on something before you've even tried it...
Coffee is healthy...
Don't worry about things you can't do anything about...
Shelby's tips.

My knee pits

this happened...

Summer Tour 2011- Day 2...

mmm... I am in love with Indiana. For no good reason other than there is great weather today and I keep seeing Amish-ness. It's just beautiful here and I love corn fields. Its also a plus that I'm with some best friends.

Last night after singing outside with my family, it got dark. A bonfire happened. And (like all good children should do in the summer once its dark) we played kick the can, zombie tag, ninja, and crack the whip.
I have burns behind my knees. They sting like fire burns but they are rope burns...And I can't wear long pants cause it hurts like heck. The fire had nothing to do with my knees.
Also I can't sit on some chairs and couches. Also if my knees are bent too long the burn sticks all together and when I stand up it RIPSSS apart. Burns like hell fire.
Anyway, it was one of those nights that remind me of back in the day when I had no worries except how soon would my mother call us inside for dinner. Running through the soft cold grass barefoot, covered in dirt, burns on my legs. Its all good.



Last night I wished on 3 shooting stars out of 8. Plus 4 airplanes that everyone convinced me were NOT slow motion shooting stars.
I listened to my sisters telling tales about how all the constalations came into existance. I laughed at Grace and Shelby laughing.

Today I went on my first amish buggy ride ever. It wasn't how I imagined it would be. But it was good just the same. Michal, Faith & Grace were with me. And a nice fellow named... Yoder?? was our driver. The horse's name was Molly. I love Shipshiwana. And all the cute little shops. It was a good time with my little sister's and mother, and Helmuth mother. I had cinnamon drops. They were so delish.

Tonight I made Guacomole and ate it with Shelby. --I love that girl. We have the same thoughts about mothers. And getting old. and movies.-- We also had coleslaw. And we had fish tacos. And mango salsa. And Java icecream.

Ben and Cody bought some random Hamster pets and I think they will die.
They don't have food, water, or a home. And they keep falling out of trees and off tables and drowning in sweet tea. Their names are "Outtie" and "icedream". They are a little bit dumb and slow but you gotta love em.


Shelby has disappeared. I haven't been able to find her for over an hour. That is why I'm blogging. Also I'm blogging because I want to remember all the little memories of this trip.
Please excuse any spelling or punctuation errors in this blog. I

I love to travel...

It's about 6am June 26th, I've justt woke up. Everything seems to have went wrong this trip...
right now I should be getting up and getting ready for a church service we've been lookingg firward to for a long time. Instead we are driving through kentucky in a storm... I'm just watching the lightning. The sun isn't up yet. I just ate a cinnamon raisen bagel and I made the mistake of putting honey on this bagel. The honey is just too strong for this time of day and this bagel.

There is so much unexpectedness to traveling. And I love
it all. Even the transportation issues and breakdowns.
like it's ridiculous we weren't able to bring the
bus... "I'm so glad we don't have a last name like weiner..."-my mom. She says stuff like this to stay awake since we've been driving all night and only stopped twice for fuel and to put air in tires. Also we seem to have an oil leak we didn't know about. And I just invented a toilet. See since we can't
stop driving Grace woke up and was about to wet her pants. And there's not a place to pul over. So I just was rudely woken up to "do something about it!!!" so I took a pot and put a garbage bag or 2 in there and voila. A little toilet anyone would be proud to use.

Anyway, it seemed like every vehicle we tried to take had some problem and we couldn't afford to fix it; and we would (well not me.) work on it and then something would happen and we'd have to work on a different one. We ended up taking a mini bus that we haven't had on the road since 2006... I'm hoping everything will keep working. Go ahead and pray for us if you want. We would appreciate it much.

So, I don't really love that part of things. But it's just part of it all. And if I spend time
getting all worked up over problems with vehicles, people, detours & deisel prices I wouldn't get to enjoy the lightning, the ben and haley lover lover song at the shel station, and a very cold half of a cinnamon raisen bagel.

Hello Summer 2011, you've just barely begun (and despite the ridiculous bus,van, trailer problems)I think I'm gonna like you...

Saturday 3-26-2011

We got up this morning and got dressed.
We went to a flea market. We walked through a beautiful garden to get there.
Me, Ben, Michal, Faith, Grace, Nissi, Judah, Josiah, Daniele & Jenna.
We bought cute little shell bracelets.
Ben bought fruit.
We ate lunch at a park next to the water.
Played at the park.
I was swinging kids like there was no tomorrow.
These kids are too little to know how to do it alone.
Someone just passed gas in this room. And Faith said, "Okay, which one of my
beautiful sister's just did that."
After lunch, I took the kids to the library so Daniele and Jenna could look at some thrift
shops.
While we were at the library Josiah (he is just turned 2) went missing. So I'm looking
all over the kids section and finally find him under a computer desk. He had crawled
under there to number 2 in peace. Oh Lord, I haven't smelled something like that
since who knows when. Sadly I forgot to ask Jenna for the diaper bag. So we were
stuck with smelling up the whole library. It was awesome.
Our Mother & Father came to pick us up. And there were diapers involved.
And we all went to look at the Manatees. Judah (3) started to say something about a
stupid coconut. Then looked at me and my father, and changed it to "silly coconut".
Michal & Nissi started running out into the road thinking there were no cars. But there
was one. And It didn't stop so they just froze in the middle of the highway.
We went back to the house to have a snack and a rest time. After that we loaded up
and went to the beach. We had a great time. But by it was getting dark and Nissi and
Judah were soaked and whining. I wrapped them up in towels and they both thought I
wanted them to sit in my lap. So they start fighting to get in my lap. And I'm just like
hey I didn't invite anyone in my lap. So they each just cuddled up next to me whining to
go home. (Well we couldn't go home until Jenna and Daniele got to the beach)
So I asked Faith to hand me what she was reading and I read them White Fang.
Well I didn't actually read the whole book. I just basically told them the story, the
exciting parts and showed the pictures. I guess it was a little bit adorable.
When Jenna, Daniele & Ben got to the beach, we went home.
We ate Mexican, watched a movie and had strawberry shortcake & ice cream.
The little kids are asleep now. And I was watching a movie with the old people.
But it was Inception and apparently I was asking too many questions. Everyone kept
yelling at me.
Whatever.

3-25-2011

My Pillow Smells Funny.
Travis had to leave today on account a his dad is sick in the hospital.
Jenna & Nissi, Judah, and Josiah are still here with us.
Daniele & I took all the kids to the beach.
Daniele took Jenna shopping while Michal and I watched the little guys.
Then we went to do a sound check at the Surf Side Calvery Chapel.
Bill was there.

March 24, 2011

I love Keylime pie.
We had a great beach day with Vaads. It was fun. But Ben was too sick to go with us.
I went to the Publix to get some groceries. Things like limes and eggs.
Made a huge seafood dinner.
Now just watching movies with Nissi and Grace till they fall asleep.
Beau told me - If I would just spend more time on facebook and the internet, I would
have more friends and people would like talking to me.
I told him - He may be right about that. Also if I would turn into a boy maybe all the girls
who love talking to him and Ben would want to be friends with me too. Just a thought.

March 23

I cleaned the closet today.
I made dinner for everyone.
I made pot roast, mashed potatoes, rolls, greenbeans, corn, etc.
I talked to Korinne for an hour and a half.
It was good. I spilled everything to her... as usual.
Things are good for my lately.
I'm happy.
Mostly.
I went to the beach with Daddy and my sister's. Looking for sand fleas.
It was twilight and it was beautiful.
Now it is late and I'm tired.
Travis & Jenna and their kids are coming tomorrow.
I can't wait to see them.
Travis for fishing. Jenna needs a vacation badly. So Michal and I are in charge of their

children. which is fine by me.

To Josh.

we called you. over and over. to sing and talk and wish you good birthday. you never answered. and we all sat in the van together. silently thinking about you. and then one by one, we all shook our heads. and got out of the van. the end.