I spent most of this weekend smiling. I'm just so happy to be spending a little quality time with my brother and his girl and some of my closest friends. I haven't seen these guys in 6 months or something. So this is nice.
I've been so happy. But If I stop and think about it. Its been a bittersweet time.
A tiny piece of me has been sad. And I've been shoving it down and right now its pushing to the surface.
A lot can happen in 6 months. People can change so much. People can find a special someone. I can feel like they are too young for a serious relationship. Some of them I know are. Everyone else seems to be changing and everything is different. I don't like it. I smile and pretend I'm happy with everything. But a tiny bit of me isn't happy. I'm faking a little. I want some things to just stay the same.
My friends are getting married and having babies. little babies I knew are now older girls. My own sisters aren't little girls anymore. Everyone has gotten so much older and I haven't noticed until now. I feel like it was just yesterday that I was 15.
But thats my little sister now and all her friends. They are growing up too fast. And I don't like it. Grace is turning 9 tomorrow. She keeps reminding me this is her last day being 8. It has to be special. :) I want it to be special just for her. But I'm the one that has been trying to keep my little sisters in pink hair bows and frilly little girl dresses.
And its not working. My sisters all pickout their own clothes now. And Grace more often then not chooses colours other then pink. Every time it happens I cringe. Every time she frowns a little at my idea of a "cute outfit"... Nobody stays young forever. I know everyone grows up. And change is inevitable. Its a good thing. blah blah blah.
But guess what, my last little sister isn't a baby anymore. And Michal isn't a little girl anymore no matter how many times I remind her that she is. And Faith is right behind Michal, 12 years old and getting tall as me. Michal is an inch or two taller. Their faces are changing. They talk differently. They don't run to me when they need a band-aid or a drink of water.
Somehow this hurts me a little. I don't know... I keep forgetting to treat Michal like a little girl and find myself enjoying spending time with Michal as an older girl. Our relationships are all different now. And I love it. But I don't.
Its all bittersweet.
Grace will always be my baby sister, my blonde, blue-eyed ballarina. She will always be dancing. And pink is still her favorite colour. She will always love cows. Her cute little grin won't change. Those random freckles won't just disappear. I don't want her to stop telling me just what shes thinking.
I want her to always love my stories. I want her to always whisper to me that I'm her favorite big sister, because I'm funnier than Daniele and I don't pick at her like Michal and Faith do. I don't want her to stop blurting out loudly at random moments, "Jess I just love you so much! You're just funny and I just love you."
Half my writing just got deleted and there is no way I can remember what I wrote.
So I'm just ending this. I'm not nearly as sad as I sound. I'm just having a melencholy moment and decided to write it out.
Everythings gonna be okay. And in alittle bit I will be as cheerful as ever.
I love seeing old fat men fishing alone shirtless on the riverbank in the rain.
Life is a beautiful thing. Thanks Lord for all the great moments you give me that make me smile.
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