Okay, So I just typed all this stuff. And I'm not even reading over it to make sure its all kosher and awesome. I'm just saying whatever is in my head... Probably all rambling and jumbled.
but it may interest you.
Due to lack of internet/constant power I haven’t blogged during Cornerstone or after for that matter. I wish I had. It would have been so much good I think…
This past week has been such an interesting time for me.
I’ve had a great time and one not so great time. Mostly everything has been amazing and beautiful. And honestly I’ve learned and felt more in this week than I thought was possible. Maybe too much happened in such a short time and it hasn’t all really hit me yet. And when it does it will be so much that it might knock me down. But I doubt it. Because I think it was all good.
I’ve spend some of the best time with so many amazing friends. Time dancing and singing. Laughing and running around feeling so carefree.
I’ve sat in a hot merch tent for hours at a time watching people and thinking so much. I’ve discovered a new passion for badly playing the guitar and singing random rhyming songs that I make up. I’ve learned that you can make anything a good time if you really want to. I’ve learned that its very hard to say something. And it’s harder to not say it. I’ve learned that honesty is still the best policy. I’ve learned to not assume. I’ve learned to love a little more and not be so scared of someone hurting me.
I loved a little boy. I discovered that I want to have a little boy almost as badly as my little girl. I can swim better than I thought. I don’t always drown.
My hands sweat when I’m nervous, whether its hot or cold.
Ben’s girl just stuck a little branch under my nose for me to smell and said, “Christmas tree” then went back to playing with her hands sticking out the window… I think I’m going to always like her.
We are in our mini bus traveling to Minnesota. I’m sitting with Kelly and Ben and Korinne are across the aisle. Michal and Daniele are in the next seats. Grace/Faith and Daddy are next. Then Beau and Linda are in the front.
It’s a hot day and we have all the windows open. Everyone’s hair is blowing around. I love Kelly’s music because its almost like Ben’s but has a little difference.
I love how my friends will always love me, no matter how bossy I can be. No matter how rude I am. No matter how silly I act when they are serious…
I love that Inga will always be like the little Norwegian sister I never had.
I love that even though so many things in life are changing and it can scare/hurt me so many things will never change and I love that.
I love that we all like crunchy raisin bran. I love that we all say the same things about fireworks. I love the word fireworks. I found out I love brown eyes almost as much as blue eyes. And I’m okay with brown eyes.
I love talking. I love sitting together quietly. I love it that we can say nothing and its alright. I love pond scum. I love hot spots and cold spots.
I love fat men with their shirt off.
When we played our show at the Gallery stage the power cut off. Right after our sound check. The audience didn’t seem to mind that we just jumped down off stage and played an acoustic set right there. It was the hottest year I can remember. During the day I felt like we weren’t having as much fun as we could have. But honestly it was just too hot to be partyin’.
The nights were the best. And I’m so glad we had those crazy nights and good talks and laying in the grass looking at the shooting stars. I’m glad we stayed up all night till the sun came up. 3 times. I’m glad I got up at 7 to pray and write in my journal while everyone was sleeping.
I’m tired after all this. And I’m emotionally drained. I feel a little like I have nothing left to say that can help anyone because I said everything I know… I feel like I don’t say the right thing sometimes. I feel like I need to not want to fix everything and make everyone happy and okay all the time. Sometimes they just need me to listen and that’s all. Sometimes Its okay to just be the shoulder to cry on. I don’t have to know and have all the answers. I can just be. I’ve learned that hugs are important. And holding someone is sometimes all I can do to help. I hope its enough. I hope you know I would fix everything just to make you happy if I could. I hope you know if there was one little thing I could do, I would do it. I would fix it all for you if I could. But God told me I can’t. I just have to be. I just have to care. And not stop caring because it hurts. I have to not be scared anymore. I have to open up and love and do everything I feel like I need to do.
Sometimes I feel like I’m a hundred years old and sometimes I feel like a wee babe who can’t speak or walk. I’m glad to be 19.
I’m glad for the friends and family I have. And I love them.
I’m glad that my bad feelings are going away. I’m glad I feel free and happy.
I’m so glad the Lord loves me this much. He can heal me and fix me and help me be all that I need to be.
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