Oh Irene...

The thing is, there are these amazing waves all up the beach probably because of the hurricane or whatever.
Last night Michal, Faith and I decided to just do it.
So we were all up in them being knocked and thrown around.
At one point I got really caught in one and couldnt get out or breathe. It was just throwing me and rolling me over and over
there wasn't anything I could do about it . I mean probably I could just die.
finally the ocean spit me out on the beach after flinging me high in the air and I just hit the sand. hard.
I was trying to breathe and choking out all that salt water and deciding to never enter the water again when I looked over and saw Michal and Faith both having just been equally attacked by that wave.
I thought they were dying but they both just were there in the ocean. laughing. happy as a clam. Not blaming the water for almost drowning them. Running back and throwing themselves into it. diving into those waves that should have scared the crap outta them.
waves twice their height. And thats how they are. My sisters. They aren't afraid. They aren't afraid of drowning or trusting.
They just enjoy life. They do everything that they feel like. They throw themselves into anything. Now, I'm not thinking thats always the wisest thing for them to do.
I wouldn't encourage them to do life threatening things like jumping off cliffs into lakes and swimming in hurricane waves and petting animals that could bite their hhands/arms/heads off. But they just do. And I'm proud of that. My brother's my sisters are all so brave.
I want to be like that again. I want to live like theres no tomorrow. And do everything that I'm scared to do but want so badly to do.
And usually when I just force myself to do it I'm not afraid once I'm doing it. Its the anticipation that gets me. And I just have to stop thinking and jump.
Stop thinking and dive. Stop over analyzing. Stop being so afraid of everything.

Libraries and stuff

So, I'm in Florida still. The other side though not FortMyers.I'm at the library. A place I could spend 18 hours a day and not get tired. There are too many books to read and too much music to listen to and so many movies to watch. Lots of people to watch too. Like all the old men that keep looking at dvds right behind the computer I'm on so I feel like they are standing there 10 minutes at a timestaring at me. haha. um, I just decided to blog while I'm here because my grandmother doesn't have internet at her house. And the beach doesn't have internet. And those are the only places I go. The last couple days Shelley and Asa and 3 were with us. We went to the beach and saw giant Jellyfish. speaking of Jellyfish, I had a story about them that I didn't write about. Anywhere. I think the past 4 years of my life I have journaled and wrote every day. And since my birthday... I've wrote maybe twice. I haven't even really blogged that much either. I have no excuse. I just keep forgetting. I'm having too much fun during the day and falling asleep earlier than usual. I'm tiring myself out in a good way.
About the Jellies, um in fortmyers one day Me, Ben and the kids had been swimming up a storm in the pool. And it got dark and some had to go home. But Ben, Staples and I ran across the street to the beach to continue swimming. We got there and I just stopped and stared, I've never seen the beach like that before. Usually if I go to the beach after dark there is a full moon, some sort of moon, but it was absolutely dark. And foggy, cloudy, quiet, still and quite frankly spooky. except not to me. We were just swimming and talking about sharks. All the sudden our arms and hands started glowing. Like florescent lights anywhere we moved. the water was full of tiny little sparks. It was so incredible. And then we started catching there little jellyfish, the water was full of them. Once you had one in your hand all you could see was the blue electricity like veins or whatever because the jellyfish were clear. And they felt so weird. And we were just surrounded by them. And It was the most amazing thing I've ever experienced. Incredible. When we left we all felt like we were going to have like jellyfish powers or something. And who knows... we probably did.

These last Summer days...

We are in Fort Myers Beach,Florida. One of my most favorite places ever. We are staying with the Critsers, (The pastors awesome family) and we are having a fabulous time. The people here are so nice and so much fun.
I stumbled upstairs (my hair a crazy mess in a big tshirt and boxers), poured myself some cereal and sat there eating it staring at the adopted black baby of the family.
I was a little tired and not expecting much different for the day.
I helped all the girls get dressed and fixed their hair. Then we all loaded up and went to someones house where we were gonna bbq.
So we get there right, turns out this house used to belong to Bob Hope and he and John Wayne would come and fish right here. Same house. So we spent a while swimming and looking at the boats and water.
They had one of those cool thingys where you can breathe underwater so that was cool. And I tried to do it and of course when I try it breaks and I cant breathe in so I'm just choking and drowning with these heavy weights that the guys were using to go to the bottom of the pool.
Anyhow breathing underwater didnt work for me. But I had to much fun watching everyone dive and flip and throw eachother around.
We all ate hamdogs, hot burgers, chicken and such. It was beautiful, lots of sun and sweet tea and music. We watched Dolphins for a long time.Ben jumping in off this high board by the boat and then trying to climb back out but the bottom of the boat was covered in barnicles so hes all cut up.
So thats nice.
Then around 3ish it started raining. And people started loading up and cleaning up and we left.
Got home soaking wet and cold. took a hot shower. Put on my new favorite sweatpants that Daniele got me for my birthday. (I put up a picture! she thinks I dont appreciate everything she gives me. <--that was some awful grammer right there.)Played Rummikub with the girls. Then cuddled up with Daniele and watched a movie. Then helped make dinner and clean the house up. After dinner all the girls got showered and picked out church clothes and I looked at all the boys knives and ninja stars. Then we watched Gullivers travels with Mallie, Gracie and Shawn Taylor and Me, ben, and the 3 little girls. That was nice. And now everyone is headed to Bed. I mean Beau, Daniele, and my dad are still getting stuff ready for church tomorrow. And I think this about wraps up our time here in Fort Myers, we got here Wednesday and I've spent the majority of my time in the water, at the beach, in a pool, whereever. I love it. So bad. Life is good yall. P.S. There is a baby tiny pimple on my chin.

Oh! P.s. again. in the picture with Shawn Taylor, that is not the pimple thats a mole on my chin. jsyk. Also I will add more pictures some times.

friday friday

So I thought my last Friday night as a teenager would be epic. I was totally planning on Partyin allll night.
Instead I find myself outside in the darkish twilight being eaten alive by mosquitoes watching little guys at a park in Ottertail Minesota. I also was at church.... I'm an awesome last Friday night teenager.

No really. This was an amazing night. The past week has just been incredible. I've met so many beautiful people with such sweet spirits... If that makes sense.
We've been at this... Gathering I'm not sure what it is exactly. Its almost like a worship conference. But also this family thing. And then amazing speakers. And workshops and classes about art and book writing and prophecy.
This old creamery has been turned into a church/coffeeshop/boutique its this amazing venue in this little town in Minnesota.
It's so bizarre. I love it.
I spent the last week singing and praying and listening and learning. Also swimming and fishing and playing volleyball. Just hanging out with these incredible people.
God has done so much in my life this past year. And this week just takes the cake.
It's too much to go into now. And it feels too personal to share everything I want to. Maybe sometime in he future when my thoughts are more sorted I can share some of what the Lord has done for me.

For now, I'm very happy with how my last year as a teenager has went.
To be continued probably....

Carpe diem

i'm happy.

why are you so happy?

i don't know
i'm kinda afraid its not gonna last

i know what you mean
it won't

like I'm at the top of this rollercoaster and things cant stay this way for long..

i hate when it doesnt..

you are supposed to say, Jess you are always gonna be happy

lol i know but i wanted to tell the truth i know how you feel and i hate when the joy leaves..


-I'm learning to seize the moment. Enjoy things while I can. Not to worry about tomorrow when the joy leaves. Because things change. people change. life happens. But we have today and todays joy. Happiness...

I thought Ben was crowing because he just ...

So, I was sitting in a little coffee shop at this amazing place that I will eventually talk about a lot real soon.
All the sudden Ben walks in the middle of the room and tucks his thumbs in his armpits and crows. Like such a Peter Pan.
And I just laughed, not because he crowed (that was so normal for Ben)but because I thought he was crowing annoucing to the world that he had just um... went to the bathroom. He had been in the bathroom for like 15 minutes. And all these people were cracking up. Then I was like whispering, "why did you crow because you number 2d?" and he was like, "Why are you following me around?"
And then my feelings got hurt. And I also found out he was just outside not in the bathroom. So it wasn't that funny.

The End.

I'm such an unholy mess of a girl...

I need to find out who I am... I used to know then everything changed. I changed. And I thought I forgot but really I'm just a different person. I want to be who God wants me to be...I'm no good right now.
I need to grow and learn. I need to stop being so judgmental.
I need to stop being so afraid of loving too much. I need to let go of things in the past that hurt me and changed me.

Who am I? God knows. And he is showing me, little by little every day.
And I'm becoming who he wants. I hope.