One of my awesome dreams

Hey everyone, (everyone, ha, like tons of people actually read this)
Sorry about not posting anything for a while. I know I said I was going to try and post something like every day but it just doesn't work that way.
Which is dumb because I have so many great stories I'd love to share with everyone... We'll see how many of them actually make the blog.

Anyhow I had this crazy dream a few nights ago...

So, we were traveling with the Agguires by plane.
I'm pretty sure we were all headed to France or Detroit. I can't remember which.
Something happened to the plane though.
It crashed in a cornfield.
So we had to get 2 buses to travel in. All the old adults got one and the young adults got the other one. I think we traveled like that for a while.
But I had to leave our bus for some reason. And I had to get everyone else out too. Possibly a fire? idk. So I'm trying to get everyone into the other bus. All the sudden it turns out Julian is not Saphraines baby.
He was actually Corins! And Corin was not waking up to get into the other bus. And finally he did wake up and I asked if I could hold Julian, and when I picked Julian up I realized he looked very different than what I remember

He had freckles and a beard.
(Sometimes the beard wasn't there though.)

Once everyone was in one tour bus my mom said I had to leave everyone else and walk.* I was kinda sad about that but totally ready,
I put on a bright blue sequined jacket and put Julian in the bus and told everyone bye. Then Julian (without a beard) said "Bye Jess!" and I was so excited like busting with happiness because he could talk and he knew my name. But I had to leave.
As I was walking away he just stood on the bus steps and yelled things after me like, -I'll miss you- and -dont let bears get you-. Stuff like that.

The end of my dream I was walking down a dirt road in a bright blue sequined jacket looking for France or Detroit and grinning to beat the band because Julian said my name.

The End.




*(I'm not sure why I had to walk, It probably had something to do with the fact that in the midst of a fire and all that panic I stopped to play with Julian...why was I doing that?!. Thats probably not why I was walking but its an idea.)

how to get that boy to like you...

Ive had this thought in my head for over a week and haven't been able to blog at all.
I'm gonna try to get it all down now. Haha

"Where's my favorite guy?"
"Kiss? Kiss?..........kiss?"
"Where's that boy that I love?"
"How do I get that boy to like me when he already likes a girl with brown hair?"

These were just a few of the questions I heard from a 4 year old about my brother and to him.
And most of these questions she's going to keep asking for years about other boys I'm sure... She started young though.
I found it slightly ridiculous and real funny. Sometimes I wish girls were.different.

"Ooooohhhh!!! I know!! MaybeIcouldtellhimwecoulddowhathewantedtodoinsteadof (deeep breath) whatIwantedtodo.And wecouldplaywhathewantedtoinsteadofwhatIwantto!!!!" (This was all said in a raspy sqqqueeky 4 yr old voice. If you can imagine it. It's so great.) I seriously thought she was gonna have an asthma attack or something.
Sadly, I told her it was a great plan to get him to like her instead of the girl with brown hair.
Maybe there were 50 other things I should have said. Ehm, I dont always say the right thing though.
I've got a bigmouth, and I tend to say whatever pops into my head. Plus my motto used to be -its okay, as long as its funny.-
Turns out living my teenage years by that motto wasn't the smartest thing I could have done. Anyway,
All that to say, I didn't want to burst her bubble and I encouraged, well more like egged her on I guess.

And its given me a lot to think about since then... About boys. And girls. and the stupid things we do and say to get someone to like us. And we shouldnt have to get someone to like us. The right person just will. And all the time and worry and stress and thought that goes into who likes who and relationships and finding the right one. How I wish so many people could just be friends and be happy and have a good time... I wish people wouldn't be afraid. I love so many beautiful relationships I've seen. And I hope everyone ends up with exactly who God has for them. And I wish people would just have a good time and not worry about things. I don't like confusion and misunderstanding. I don't like being sad about things I can't change or fix.
I don't like people rushing into things. I don't like people dragging their feet. I don't like girls pursuing guys and trying to do something to MAKE him like her. I'm sorry when things don't work out. I'm happy when I see you following God and doing what you think he wants you to.
Idk, it was a lot to think about at once... Seems like things would be so much simpler if people would just trust God that he knows what's up. He has a plan. I love it when they do. So many people I know trust God so much. It's beautiful.

I love you. And you don't have to do what he wants you to do to get him to like you instead of the girl with brown hair.
God knows what's up. Keep trusting him. Your relationship with Him is what matters most.

a little bit of my last week

So, I'm pretty tired from this past week. I've been having such a good time though.
Last weekend we did 4 shows in Brainerd,MN. A concert Friday night, a concert Saturday night, a church service Sunday morning and one show Sunday night. It was all great. My mom and another lady told me I looked just like this one lady's daughter and I was all like okay. And the next night there's this girl in the front of the coffee shop right in front of me. And I have to admit she looked a little like me and it kinda weirded me out. So the whole show I'm trying not to be distracted by this girl smiling at me with pretty much my own smile. The Friday night concert was at this great church/art place I don't know what to call it. But its pretty cool. After the show I was kinda hiding because I saw the lady and her daughter who last year,
(Summer 2010)--I was using the bathroom quick between church services, no one was in the bathroom and I was all like, oh awesome! cause I have a shy bladder and can't ever seem to go if there are other people in the bathroom with me, which is fabulous because with us traveling all the time there are always people hanging out in the bathroom. Anyways, all the sudden out of no where a little head pops under the stall door and is all like, heyyy. And I'm just like uhm, hey. And the little girl goes, "Look mom! Its the girl from the stage!" And I'm like expecting her mom to like drag her away maybe a little bit, instead there's a big ol face looking through the crack of the door, "Oh your right honey, it is her!" --
So I'm hiding from these two people cause they make me uncomfortable. And I was eating cookies. The End.

We went to the Bjorlos for dinner one night.
And after we ate we all went outside to play capture the flag. Its kinda tradition.
So there are um, 13 people playing right, me and my brothers (-Josh) and my little sisters, korinne and kelly, the 4 Bjorlo's and their friend Derelict (what a name)
Anyway we pick captains and they start choosing teams. I'm like waiting around to be picked right. I'm pretty sure I will be picked early cause I'm older than everyone except Beau and Korinne. I keep waiting and waiting finally there is 3 people left and one of them gets picked then its me and a 4 year old girl... The one team is like, "um, I pick Abby! your team can have whats left." the great thing was, no one was even doing it on purpose or joking around about it. I just got picked very last and I wasn't even picked I was thrust upon the other team.
I honestly think its because I have short legs and I was wearing a pink dress so they thought I would be no good. Well I went and put on boys shorts and a tshirt and put my hair up and took off my shoes and won that game for my team who didn't even want me. It was epic.
The End.

Mann...

I've got a great story or two... Coming right up.

Would you rather be a princess...

Saturday Night. Late... late.

Tonight we had a show in Brainerd, MN. We have been coming here to Minnesota for lots of years. And it's only been this year that I have been making jokes about Brain and Nerd and calling random people names on the street. One was Brain and the other was Nerd and they looked so nice. After us was a guy Sean Michaelle or Michelle or something... They weren't the cutest guys in the world. But I rediscovered my passion for blues. He had such a voice. Loved them.

After our show tonight where the sound messed up terribly and Ben sang in a completely different key and we all scrambled to find a harmony that worked and Beau and I ended up just trying not to laugh at each other but I finally found a harmony and sounded bad. I met this girl. She was one of the most naturally beautiful humans I've ever seen. She looked exactly how I imagine a princess should look, pretty blonde hair, rosy lips, and big, piercing, icy, gorgeous blue eyes. They were my favorite colour blue. Just the perfect sky blue. This girl was absolutely gorgeous. I loved that she didn't even seem to notice that she was so beautiful. And I thought she must be the happiest girl ever, all lookin' like a princess and whatnot. But after talking to her for a little while... I just noticed this sadness. idk, it didn't make much sense. I mean even when she wasn't talking about sad things, behind her eyes looked kinda sad. It started me thinking...

It reminded me of a question I asked all the people at our table at dinner last night,
"Would you rather be a beautiful princess who everyone knew & loved or completely happy but alone forever?" It was a toughy.

Looks aren't everything. I love beautiful things and people... but being beautiful doesn't make you happy.
Its whats inside that counts. Your joy, your love, your compassion, your feelings, your faith. Inner beauty. Those are the things that really matter. And I hope sometimes when people look at me, I hope they see my love for the Lord. I hope they see my joy. My happiness. My sadness. My trying to live my life for God. Trying to do the right thing. trying to correct my faults and mistakes. (And I have and make so many.)

I want people to see who I am inside. Good or bad. Ugly or beautiful.
I just want to be honest. I just want to be real.

But I also want to be a princess someday... Or a pirate. Which ever comes first.

I don't feel so good... July 8, 2011

So, last night after dinner (Which was a really different white lasagna that we all thought wasn't lasagna but turned out to be real good.) Korinne and I asked Daddy if we could go in the boat with him to fish for a while. He said yes. So we scrambled around getting poles and bug dope and life preservers and such. So we headed out right? And Korinne hadn't fished in forever so we had to teach her a little bit. So we are fishing and trolling and the sun is setting and everything is just so beautiful. I probably could live on a boat. Daddy caught a nice sized large mouth bass. And we trolled some more. Then I caught my first Northern Pike! It was totally amazing to reel that guy in and it was like a whopping 20 inches. Which isn't really big for a northern. But it wasn't small either. I was so excited. Sadly my phone died right before I caught it so there is no pictures of it because I let it go. But my dad and Korinne were all excited and happy for me. We kept fishing for a while until the mosquitos got so bad Korinne started making crazy suggestions like "I wish we had beekeeping suits to fish in." I'm pretty sure thats why she only caught seagrass the entire time. That's when I decided our little fishing trip was over. Because fishing in a bee suit is the worst idea ever. So I caught a little tiny sun fish that pricked my hands up and made them bleed. And then the mosquitos were just everywhere covering everything. And we went home and watched a movie. Well halfway through the movie my dad walks in with the craziest look on his face and he is out of breath and trying not to laugh. And tells us all that when we left the boat and he was getting something out of the bottom a HUGE snake started slithering all over everywhere!!! it was like 3 feet long. It had been in that boat under my seat the ENTIRE TIME!! And I totally freaked out. I don't even know what I would have done if I had seen it while we were out on the lake. Like I hadn't even seen the snake and I was FREAKING OUT. No I do know. I would have screamed like a crazy person and jumped all over the boat having a heart attack telling Daddy to get it away and Korinne would have been laughing at me and my dad would have been trying to catch it and I would have jumped out of that boat and swam for my life because I just hate snakes that much.
Omg I can not believe there was a snake under my seat that entire time. OMG!I can't even think about it without almost throwing up and screaming. And to make it even better, I have one month left until I'm not a teenager anymore.
The End.

Day who knows what… I stopped counting.

Okay, So I just typed all this stuff. And I'm not even reading over it to make sure its all kosher and awesome. I'm just saying whatever is in my head... Probably all rambling and jumbled.
but it may interest you.

Due to lack of internet/constant power I haven’t blogged during Cornerstone or after for that matter. I wish I had. It would have been so much good I think…

This past week has been such an interesting time for me.
I’ve had a great time and one not so great time. Mostly everything has been amazing and beautiful. And honestly I’ve learned and felt more in this week than I thought was possible. Maybe too much happened in such a short time and it hasn’t all really hit me yet. And when it does it will be so much that it might knock me down. But I doubt it. Because I think it was all good.

I’ve spend some of the best time with so many amazing friends. Time dancing and singing. Laughing and running around feeling so carefree.
I’ve sat in a hot merch tent for hours at a time watching people and thinking so much. I’ve discovered a new passion for badly playing the guitar and singing random rhyming songs that I make up. I’ve learned that you can make anything a good time if you really want to. I’ve learned that its very hard to say something. And it’s harder to not say it. I’ve learned that honesty is still the best policy. I’ve learned to not assume. I’ve learned to love a little more and not be so scared of someone hurting me.
I loved a little boy. I discovered that I want to have a little boy almost as badly as my little girl. I can swim better than I thought. I don’t always drown.

My hands sweat when I’m nervous, whether its hot or cold.

Ben’s girl just stuck a little branch under my nose for me to smell and said, “Christmas tree” then went back to playing with her hands sticking out the window… I think I’m going to always like her.
We are in our mini bus traveling to Minnesota. I’m sitting with Kelly and Ben and Korinne are across the aisle. Michal and Daniele are in the next seats. Grace/Faith and Daddy are next. Then Beau and Linda are in the front.
It’s a hot day and we have all the windows open. Everyone’s hair is blowing around. I love Kelly’s music because its almost like Ben’s but has a little difference.

I love how my friends will always love me, no matter how bossy I can be. No matter how rude I am. No matter how silly I act when they are serious…
I love that Inga will always be like the little Norwegian sister I never had.
I love that even though so many things in life are changing and it can scare/hurt me so many things will never change and I love that.
I love that we all like crunchy raisin bran. I love that we all say the same things about fireworks. I love the word fireworks. I found out I love brown eyes almost as much as blue eyes. And I’m okay with brown eyes.
I love talking. I love sitting together quietly. I love it that we can say nothing and its alright. I love pond scum. I love hot spots and cold spots.
I love fat men with their shirt off.

When we played our show at the Gallery stage the power cut off. Right after our sound check. The audience didn’t seem to mind that we just jumped down off stage and played an acoustic set right there. It was the hottest year I can remember. During the day I felt like we weren’t having as much fun as we could have. But honestly it was just too hot to be partyin’.
The nights were the best. And I’m so glad we had those crazy nights and good talks and laying in the grass looking at the shooting stars. I’m glad we stayed up all night till the sun came up. 3 times. I’m glad I got up at 7 to pray and write in my journal while everyone was sleeping.

I’m tired after all this. And I’m emotionally drained. I feel a little like I have nothing left to say that can help anyone because I said everything I know… I feel like I don’t say the right thing sometimes. I feel like I need to not want to fix everything and make everyone happy and okay all the time. Sometimes they just need me to listen and that’s all. Sometimes Its okay to just be the shoulder to cry on. I don’t have to know and have all the answers. I can just be. I’ve learned that hugs are important. And holding someone is sometimes all I can do to help. I hope its enough. I hope you know I would fix everything just to make you happy if I could. I hope you know if there was one little thing I could do, I would do it. I would fix it all for you if I could. But God told me I can’t. I just have to be. I just have to care. And not stop caring because it hurts. I have to not be scared anymore. I have to open up and love and do everything I feel like I need to do.
Sometimes I feel like I’m a hundred years old and sometimes I feel like a wee babe who can’t speak or walk. I’m glad to be 19.
I’m glad for the friends and family I have. And I love them.
I’m glad that my bad feelings are going away. I’m glad I feel free and happy.
I’m so glad the Lord loves me this much. He can heal me and fix me and help me be all that I need to be.