What I've been up to lately...

Lasagna for dinner. with spinach.and I made banana bread and um maybe pearcobbler and apple crisp and vanilla icecream. There is the bread and the salad too. I like it.
I eat a lot of celery and carrots these days. I eat a lot of bananas and pears and fruit.
I mostly drink some water and juice. Not all the coffee and sweet tea and coke soda I had been.
I've been spending lots of time cleaning bathrooms. deep cleaning. I'm good at it. I've been getting rid of and sorting out and folding lots and lots of laundry. I feel like all the "spring" cleaning I'm doing is good for me.
I just like to clean alone. And I'm good at it. I'm also good at making lists and planning parties. I'm good at telling people what to do and wear.
I'm good at baking desserts. So these are all good things.
My tongue is burned from the soup last night. And everything has a funny taste to it.

I made sugar/water to feed my bees. I don't know if they are enjoying it yet. But they should soon. I have 2 hives and they are 8 supers/shallows high. So thats fabulous. The thing is though, I purposely helped Daddy make them and painted them myself so that they would all be colour coordinated and everything. But they are all mixed up and like brown, green, brown, green, white, grey, white, green. Which I guess I'm fine with. Its just honey and bees.

A couple of Danieles best friends are here. Everyone is at the table talking and laughing and being silly. So thats good. All they are talking about is Inspecter Gadget and Macgyver. Both of which were before my time. Because apparently the Inspector Gadget I've seen is just a remade movie from the old cartoon. So... yeah I missed out on the awesome spy shows. And now-a-days all the kids cartoons are so lame. Seriously they are. I don't know where everyones imagination and sense of humor went, but I feel like its gone.

Macgyver I would have loved. Not so sure about the Inspector. But according to the elders at the table. They were both premium and you can learn a lot from them both.

I get easily inspired by um Brad Pitt

Sometimes I like to do my hair in my life like I see on different movies like...
I used to do my hair like Natalie Portman.. Princess Lea on Starwars... Sometimes like Orlando Bloom, um Legolas in Lord of the Ring (really all kinds of hairstyles from those movies), um now I'm just really liking Brad Pitts style in Troy. You know Archilles heel and whatnot. So I just copy. And now I have two baby dreads thanks to Ben one night. And I kinda like them. So that's about it.

Okay, so probably I should have had a bit more product in my hair and had a serious face. but, you can't lose em all.

More Stories coming soon!!

on a day like this i need the lord to help me

Today was uncle buddy's funeral.. it was a really long day...
There was smiles and tears and laughter and sighs... There was awkwardness when I sat for an hour in a room full of family and tried not to cry in front of everyone. And did. I sobbed in front of all the funeral workers while I waited for the restroom. Then Austin walked out and showed me a picture of the urinal and told me al about it.
2-3 hours later we were all at the old house and eating and spendin time together. It was good.
I really love my family. So much. As much as we will miss uncle buddy, I know its okay. Because Jesus fixed everything so we can all spend an eternity together.

Today I learned that so many of the people I care too muchfor, don't care about me the same way.
I just think its a little sad that I imagine they do. Mann...
Plus I really don't want to die without a husband and children. It was sad today. I don't want to live my life pushing people away.

Life is a beautiful thing. Embrace it. Live it. Be happy. Follow Christ.
Everything's gonna be okay. Life... Death...family... Jesus...
Love. Love. Love.

toilet paper

I was grocery shopping with Daniele and um toiletpaper is ridiculously priced and I decided it would be better to buy everyone a washcloth.
Uncle Buddy passed away last night... Everyone was on the phones and going to hospitals and I was stuck with Faith and Grace crying... And I don't think I'm good at comforting and I don't think I say the right thing...
So I just hold them and awkwardly say stuff about him being in a better place and he was very sick but he's not hurting anymore. Then josh and Ben stare at me like I'm dumb and doing the wrong thing.
I hate how the air feels when someone dies. When it is expected its even stranger. Like I didn't cry. Not because I'm not sad. But people talk about it too much like... Waiting... And then it happens. And they aren't there anymore.
And when there is so much tension and the air is heavy I play dragonball z with beau. And stare at nothing. And try to not think about death and life. But it doesn't work. And I go outside and wash cars. And I get muddy with kalyn and Michal and Faith and Grace. And I grocery shop with daniele and buy toilet paper and I laugh about it.
That's what happens on a Tuesday night and a Wednesday.

laborday weekend part 2

So Monday was Graces birthday. It was really good.
Me and the girls made her a huge pancake breakfast with amazing blueberry and strawberry muffins.
And she wanted to have a sleepover with pizza and ice cream and we watched kung-fu panda.

Now we are in Georgia.

Part 1 1/2 sunday

This morning we got up at 6 and went to Columbia, South Carolina. We did worship at a calvery chapel. It was a great morning full of beautiful people and beautiful singing. 30 something people were baptised.

I spent most of this weekend smiling. I'm just so happy to be spending a little quality time with my brother and his girl and some of my closest friends. I haven't seen these guys in 6 months or something. So this is nice.
I've been so happy. But If I stop and think about it. Its been a bittersweet time.
A tiny piece of me has been sad. And I've been shoving it down and right now its pushing to the surface.
A lot can happen in 6 months. People can change so much. People can find a special someone. I can feel like they are too young for a serious relationship. Some of them I know are. Everyone else seems to be changing and everything is different. I don't like it. I smile and pretend I'm happy with everything. But a tiny bit of me isn't happy. I'm faking a little. I want some things to just stay the same.
My friends are getting married and having babies. little babies I knew are now older girls. My own sisters aren't little girls anymore. Everyone has gotten so much older and I haven't noticed until now. I feel like it was just yesterday that I was 15.
But thats my little sister now and all her friends. They are growing up too fast. And I don't like it. Grace is turning 9 tomorrow. She keeps reminding me this is her last day being 8. It has to be special. :) I want it to be special just for her. But I'm the one that has been trying to keep my little sisters in pink hair bows and frilly little girl dresses.
And its not working. My sisters all pickout their own clothes now. And Grace more often then not chooses colours other then pink. Every time it happens I cringe. Every time she frowns a little at my idea of a "cute outfit"... Nobody stays young forever. I know everyone grows up. And change is inevitable. Its a good thing. blah blah blah.
But guess what, my last little sister isn't a baby anymore. And Michal isn't a little girl anymore no matter how many times I remind her that she is. And Faith is right behind Michal, 12 years old and getting tall as me. Michal is an inch or two taller. Their faces are changing. They talk differently. They don't run to me when they need a band-aid or a drink of water.
Somehow this hurts me a little. I don't know... I keep forgetting to treat Michal like a little girl and find myself enjoying spending time with Michal as an older girl. Our relationships are all different now. And I love it. But I don't.
Its all bittersweet.
Grace will always be my baby sister, my blonde, blue-eyed ballarina. She will always be dancing. And pink is still her favorite colour. She will always love cows. Her cute little grin won't change. Those random freckles won't just disappear. I don't want her to stop telling me just what shes thinking.
I want her to always love my stories. I want her to always whisper to me that I'm her favorite big sister, because I'm funnier than Daniele and I don't pick at her like Michal and Faith do. I don't want her to stop blurting out loudly at random moments, "Jess I just love you so much! You're just funny and I just love you."


Half my writing just got deleted and there is no way I can remember what I wrote.
So I'm just ending this. I'm not nearly as sad as I sound. I'm just having a melencholy moment and decided to write it out.
Everythings gonna be okay. And in alittle bit I will be as cheerful as ever.


I love seeing old fat men fishing alone shirtless on the riverbank in the rain.
Life is a beautiful thing. Thanks Lord for all the great moments you give me that make me smile.

laborday weekend. part 1.

Hey yall,
I'm riding along with my feet suffocating a dog because she needs to have her snout under my feet.
We just left His Laboring Few Biker Ministry labor day Campout.
See what happened was, Daddy's uncle is in the hospital in Georgia. so we had been there and we left to go to denton north Carolina and got there Friday afternoon and played music tillate. It was good. First time Josh played with us in a long time. It was good. A few special Matsons were there. And that surprised me. We also saw the st.johns. such a fun time.

These days I fly by the seat of my pants and pass by the skin of my teeth and I just spend my time living and loving.

To be continued...